STFU Pregnants poster girl - entry #1 - On Pregnancy and Worry

My last post got me thinking of this, so I thought I’d share my thoughts.

The craziest thing about pregnancy for me has been the worrying.  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I began worrying (well, really, I worried long before that, because I’d had a miscarriage and an irrational fear of infertility, but that’s another story). In the beginning I worried about losing the baby mostly.  Every time I went to the bathroom I would check for blood.  If I saw any, I would read every book I had and every blog entry/message board about early miscarriage, trying to figure out whether what I had was normal or not.  I tried to resist the temptation to call the Dr. at every cramp (and I was pretty successful).  Luckily, since I’d had a miscarriage, they checked me often in the beginning - they checked my hcG levels, progesterone, etc.  They also did an ultrasound at 8 weeks, which was wonderful.  Until I got to that 8 week mark, I was tortured by the fear that when I got to the ultrasound, there wouldn’t be a heartbeat.  Well, I got there, and there was, which was a HUGE relief (risk of miscarriage goes down to less than 5% once you’ve heard the heartbeat).  That relief lasted about 2 days before I started worrying that something bad was going to happen before I got to 12 weeks (another miscarriage landmark).  I would check my boobs to make sure they were still sore, get nervous if I wasn’t “sick enough” on a certain day, etc.  Eventually, I made it to 12 weeks, and got to hear the baby’s heartbeat via doppler, which was really neat.  It was also a relief to hear that little heartbeat again.  After 12 weeks, it was easier to prevent paranoia (because if I got really crazy, I could go to my friend Fuf’s house and use her doppler [she’s crazy too, and she bought one]) but I would still have mini (usually self-contained) freakouts about whether or not I bent back too far stretching, and perforated the umbilical cord or something.  Luckily, I started to feel her kick around 19 weeks, which was wonderful.  

I am 21 weeks now, and things are a lot more fun.  If I start to worry, I can drink some OJ or take a warm bath, and she’ll kick, so I know everything’s ok.  The worry has been replaced (mostly) with anticipation and excitement for the next step - being able to feel/see the kicks from the outside.  I really want Q to be able to see that (even though it will probably freak him out a little).  This usually happens around 23 to 25 weeks, and I can’t wait!

I realized one day in a conversation with my mom that this mixture of worry and excitement is here to stay.  I am sure that once she’s born I will have a whole new set of worries that will renew with each milestone.  Mostly, I have to remind myself that most of this is out of my control, so I should relax and enjoy it while I can.